I recently became useless.  Not completely, of course, but in my mind useless.  These little things that I have not been able to do—grab a grocery bag off the floor, get an empty backpack down from a high shelf, carry my own laundry—they really suck.  But not being able to sail……that might just be the end of me.

Last summer racing in Tahoe

I know my troubles are not like that of even people I know personally.  I do not starve; I do not want for basic needs, nor love, nor companionship.  I have not been abandoned nor abused.  I have not suffered the loss of a parent or a child.  I am aware of all the sufferings that I know around me, but I have not yet been affected by these things.  However, I do feel like I have lost my personal liberty.  I have lost the ability to take care of myself.  To move, to sit, to stretch, to walk, to run, to sail.  It might not seem like such a great thing to most—sailing—but to me it is part of being in the world.  I’ve had to turn down so many opportunities in just the last week, and I feel weak because it makes me cry.  This seemingly little thing almost broke me.

Do we become less of a person if the person we are and have made ourselves to be is taken away?  Am I less me for not being able to do something that is so “me”?  Can I really be happy for my friends and loved ones who still get to enjoy this thing I crave so much, or will I suffer only jealousy and envy?

"I wanna go, too!"

It’s hard to be both happy for others and sad for your own loss.  It looks like something other than it is, and it is difficult to make sure they only affect the people they should.  I hope I show others happiness and keep the sadness to myself.  I will not hide it—I don’t think I really can—but I do want to keep it in a proper place.  A place that is NOT jealous nor angry, but perhaps one that is longing and ready; I will keep it in the same place that has anger toward who and what took “me” away from me, the place that is determined to be well again soon, and use it as a motivator toward a better, faster, stronger, million dollar ME. 🙂