I’m a big baby. I don’t mean to be. But I have been crying and whining about my damn injury status all week, culminating in a shitty weekend of complaining. So I’m going to stop. That’s it. I’m stopping. This will NOT rule me any more.
Recently I made the decision to be happy. Part of that decision will include a huge life change precipitated by the need to reduce costs. The need to reduce my expenses is circularly required because I chose happiness. All that aside, there is definitely a price to pay for happiness.
Instead of accepting a full time salaried position at a company that promotes fitness, I chose a part time position in a call center. Between work that may have been challenging and appealing as analytic and one that does not have obvious paths of growth, I chose the one that may not help me grow—except for this: it will give me the opportunity to pursue the person I want to be during the next 10 years. Although, for the duration of my full time training before I actually begin working part time, I’m going to be bored to tears.
Two months ago, almost to the day, I said I hated blogs. I didn’t want to blog. I have my own domain, why should I install WordPress? Ah, WordPress. You are quickly becoming one of my most used tools. ————————————>
Today I took another big leap forward on my way through the Playground. I opened my Freshbooks account, created my first invoice, and worked 4 hours for my first (and only, for now) client. Mostly, I’m updating WordPress sites. 🙂
Some of the items are fairly normal, everyday, if-you-can-use-a-computer-at-all-well-you-can-do-this type of things, but other items are more challenging to my knowledge base and create learning experiences for me while I work. Of course, I have in recent years also admitted that my scale for knowledge and expertise is perhaps skewed toward the high end of the spectrum. What I mean by that is this: my interpretation of what Intermediate means equals what most would consider Advanced or Expert level skills. So, me saying, “if you can use a computer at all well, you can do this” probably makes other folks go, “holy shit, how do you do that?!?!”
So, maybe I’ve upgraded from my newb status. But, seeing an email from my client to UNDO an hour and a half of work and redo it specifically copy-and-paste makes me wonder.
Good thing I consider my new life a complete learning experience and my new Playground.
I recently became useless. Not completely, of course, but in my mind useless. These little things that I have not been able to do—grab a grocery bag off the floor, get an empty backpack down from a high shelf, carry my own laundry—they really suck. But not being able to sail……that might just be the end of me.
I know my troubles are not like that of even people I know personally. I do not starve; I do not want for basic needs, nor love, nor companionship. I have not been abandoned nor abused. I have not suffered the loss of a parent or a child. I am aware of all the sufferings that I know around me, but I have not yet been affected by these things. However, I do feel like I have lost my personal liberty. I have lost the ability to take care of myself. To move, to sit, to stretch, to walk, to run, to sail. It might not seem like such a great thing to most—sailing—but to me it is part of being in the world. I’ve had to turn down so many opportunities in just the last week, and I feel weak because it makes me cry. This seemingly little thing almost broke me.
Do we become less of a person if the person we are and have made ourselves to be is taken away? Am I less me for not being able to do something that is so “me”? Can I really be happy for my friends and loved ones who still get to enjoy this thing I crave so much, or will I suffer only jealousy and envy?
It’s hard to be both happy for others and sad for your own loss. It looks like something other than it is, and it is difficult to make sure they only affect the people they should. I hope I show others happiness and keep the sadness to myself. I will not hide it—I don’t think I really can—but I do want to keep it in a proper place. A place that is NOT jealous nor angry, but perhaps one that is longing and ready; I will keep it in the same place that has anger toward who and what took “me” away from me, the place that is determined to be well again soon, and use it as a motivator toward a better, faster, stronger, million dollar ME. 🙂
It is amazing how much we take for granted. Seriously, as able-bodied persons, it’s incredible what we don’t notice is such a wonderful part of being “able-bodied”. Things like: walking the dog and throwing his ball, doing the dishes, doing your own laundry, lifting, moving, sleeping, reaching, sitting—and being able to get up again—folding your damn laundry, hugging a friend, getting up off the floor or out of bed; not to mention biking, hiking, sailing, doing yoga, lifting weights, stretching without pain, walking, bending down, looking up, dancing.
I miss these things.
I took a big step today. One of the many projects in the works for Modo is writing an iPad application. Not knowing any programming languages (yet) should not be a deterrent. Nor should having no idea exactly how the process of designing and developing an app make me in any way nervous about taking on such a project. So today I took a big leap—I bought my domain names.
While many of you might not think that is such a big deal, to me it signifies being one step closer to a new self. This new playground I’m forcing myself into—the programmer, the Etsy crafter, the Maker—all of that is big and scary and foreign for me. I like comfort zones. I like knowing what I’m doing and where I’m going. I like having some predictability to life. I would be a good Baggins: predictable, steady, perhaps a little boring to some. This new playground, it’s in the dark. It’s in a galaxy far, far away. It definitely speaks a different language……
So while I search for a way to pay my bills (that’s going well, by the way), I’m still pushing forward into that new frontier. Hopefully, it’s filled with fun and excitement and happy rewards.
Or at least donuts.